Love

 

For love some people lost their lives. Others went bankrupt. Some became philosophers. Others went mad. Some wrote books. Others versified. Some hated the whole world save the beloved.

From  the trenches, surrounded by the smell of blood and the fear of an unseen enemy, young soldiers wrote home to say how much they missed the smile of their women (wives and fiancées), how much they longed to go back home and see them again.

From the plane taking them far away, some pick up their mobile phones and say to that dear person back home, “Don’t forget, Katy. I love you. See you soon.”

Some stop somewhere to pick and choose a postcard and words to write on the back of the postcard. Others buy flowers or pullovers or whatever they think would make their beloved happy. Others just don’t bother to buy anything. Not because they are mean. But simply because they cannot find anything that would translate what they feel more than a smile from the bottom of the heart or a tear long held back.

For love some get so happy that they start doing what they never did before. Stingy people become generous. Proud people become humble.

Apparently, neither the colour of skin nor the physical beauty nor even the kindness of the heart or character seems to be a prerequisite for loving or being loved. The Beautiful can love the Beast. For many people love is a wish, but most often it just happens by accident, and when it happens it’s too late for anyone to judge whether the beloved’s ‘qualities’ do match the lover’s secret criteria. Even beauty can’t explain everything. Everybody is potentially loveable. All nations have love stories and love songs.

Whatever the criteria, what is perhaps crazy about love is that it can very often make you love somebody with all his/her physical or other defects. One can even love more than once in one’s life.

If you think about it, it’s really mystical. What’s driving me towards you? What’s in me that makes me attracted to you personally? If you are beautiful, kind, whatever…, you’re not the only one. So why you personally? Is it simply because I came across you in my school, my workplace, my neighbourhood, my family, during my travels…? Why shouldn’t other people love you like I do? Why shouldn’t you love me too? Why should you refuse to marry me while you love me? Why did I love other persons before you and forgot all about them? Any answer to such questions can only be approximate. Love is not always pure. It’s not always absolute. It’s not always naïve. But it’s there, it’s something real. Is it something normal? Or does it hide something? Couldn’t it be a sign for something? Couldn’t it be a message, an indirect message? Hey, look for the qualities in you: don’t wait for your sweetheart to love you. You are loveable in your own right. If you are black, white people have loved black people. If you are handicapped, able-bodied people have loved handicapped people… if you don’t have good looks, good-looking people have loved ‘bad-looking’ people. Just do like a treasure hunter who keeps searching a specific place until he finds the treasure… Is every beautiful bird aware of its beauty? But who is telling me this? Where could this indirect message be from? Is it self-coaching only? Or is it reality?

It may sound strange, but there is more than one Sufi master who tell us that no one has ever loved other than God. Leila, Bouthaina, Azza and all the other legendary women immortalized by Arab poets in their love poetry would in fact be only an image (an incarnation) of divine beauty. Not being able to see God, the poet expresses all his love, his passion, his gratitude,... while addressing a woman, in whom he sees all the beauty, the greatness and the wisdom of the world.

So is it all about Faith? Why should I be different, then? Why did my God make me different? Well, according to the Quran, for example, there’s no difference between a black woman and a white woman, between a handsome man and an ugly man, between a successful engineer and a street vendor, between a disabled person and an able-bodied person. They all have souls. They are all judged according to their deeds: good deeds and bad deeds. Being black, ugly or disabled -that’s just "the first creation" In the Quran we read: "We mete out death among you, and We are not to be outrun, That We may transfigure you and make you what ye know not. And verily ye know the first creation. Why, then, do ye not reflect?" (56.60-62)

 

Flowers are not all alike. Roses are not all alike. Jungle birds are not all alike. But they’re all beautiful.

And if nobody cares about me, if no one offers me a bouquet of flowers or tells me tender words, if no one thinks of me beyond those around me, my parents and siblings...? Does this mean that I do not deserve this ‘little more interest’ that would flatter my ego? Does this mean that there is nothing special about me and that those who are loved are much better than I?

There was a Bedouin man (desert dweller) called Zaahir, and whenever he visited the Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him), he would bring him a gift from the products of the desert. When he intended to leave Madeenah, the Prophet (pbuh) would give him provisions from the products of the city. The Prophet (pbuh) said: ‘Zaahir is our Bedouin, and we are his city-dwellers.’ He (pbuh) liked him a lot. Zaahir was not very good looking. The Prophet (pbuh) once approached him while he was selling his merchandise. He hugged him from behind and Zaahir could not see him. Zaahir said: ‘Who is this? Let go of me!’ He turned and found out that it was the Prophet (pbuh), so he straightened his back and pressed it against the chest of the Prophet (pbuh). The Prophet (pbuh) then said: ‘Who will buy the slave?’ Zaahir said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, you will find no demand for me (i.e. no one would buy me)!’ The Prophet (pbuh) said: ‘But you are not so in the sight of Allah;’ or he said: ‘But in the sight of Allah you are valuable.’

Allah says in the Quran: "Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you." (2.221) Allah does not speak here about just any woman or man; He speaks about the person you’d share your life with!

Is it un-Islamic, though, to aspire to be loved or to live with someone of one’s own choosing? Ibn ‘Abbas said: “Mughith was a slave.” He said: ‘The Apostle of Allah (pbuh) made intercession for me to her (Barirah)’. The Apostle of Allah (pbuh) said: ‘O Barirah, fear Allah. He is your husband and father of your child’. She said: ‘Apostle of Allah, do you command me for that?’ He said: ‘No, I am only interceding.’ Then tears were falling down on his (her husband’s) cheeks. The Apostle of Allah (pbuh) said to ‘Abbas: ‘Are you not surprised with the love of Mughith for Barirah and her hatred for him?’”

In the Quran we read: “And of His signs is this: He created for you helpmeets from yourselves that ye might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo! herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect." (30.21) This means that there should be a minimum of ‘love’, or, say, “accepatability”, between spouses, and this “love and mercy” is a gift from Allah. In other words, love is good.

But love is not a game. Love is scary. In the worst case, the one who loves may be disappointed, shocked, humiliated or even pushed to death. At best, an accident in life (a natural death, for example) may end a long love relationship full of happiness and joy. A real dilemma, isn’t it? Maybe this is a dilemma only in theory. There are lots of people, in all nations and all religions, who love each other, who live happily with their families, who have children, and for whom everything is going well.

This has always been the case since the Babylonians and even before. Where are all these people, where are their palaces, their gardens, their jewels...? There are only words left in poems or drawings on ruined walls or in caves. This told some people that one should rather see what is essential in life. That would be a giant step towards quietude that will make us less dependent on many things that we don’t have, on many people we consider indispensable, irreplaceable.

It seems that we need more love and affection in a time of crisis (or as we advance in age). Sometimes we try to provoke, to arouse this love by caring to the maximum for one’s physical appearance in a desperate attempt to attract attention.

In a time of crisis many people crave affection and tenderness. We can all detect on faces signs of personal traumas and tragedies hidden by insincere smiles. Many people need to feel loved, and what's more natural? What more than a sincere love, a well-intentioned attention, could we use as a lifesaver, a cane to help us move quietly on the bumpy road ahead? But the truth is that there are married people who hate each other while sleeping together. Even those who love one another madly do not always have an easy life. Oh how many lovers are out there making war on a daily basis!

We all need compassion, or some kind of love, one way or another, one day or another. We need to compliment or soothe one another. We all love to hear nice words about us, about our possessions, our cities, our countries. However, there are many people who can live their love on their own and endure separation, as people can endure diabetes or high blood pressure. They say to themselves, when they want to, just what they like to hear. They give themselves importance when nobody is interested in them.

Love teaches wisdom because very often love experiences are full of frustration and missed opportunities. With age, the feeling of love matures and makes us love life as it is without giving up our wildest dreams, just as it makes us love a person with all his/her defects. This kind of love, when possible, would allow one to have some peace of mind, emotional assurance and the ability to smile from the bottom of the heart and see and enjoy what is left of the beauty of the world.

In a garden we gaze at the beautiful flower; we turn a blind eye to the dead one. We clap eyes on the palace and ignore the hut beside. But no (straight) man would ignore a young woman passer-by to see flowers instead. A young woman is more precious than a beautiful flower.

 
In a way, as I said above, we all need some kind of love these days; we need to really feel being in family when we sit at the dinner table, for example: everyone seems separated by TV, smart-phones or other gadgets. There are people who are sick and who need this love. What do they do if nobody is giving them the love they need?

In matters of love, intellectually and spiritually speaking, it is better to be a subject than an object. When we love, we give, we are generous. When we aspire to be loved, by all means, or when we feel loved, we risk falling into pride and greed. When we love we are more sensitive to flowers and songs of birds, to the beauty of orchards, to people and everything in the world we live in. Love tenderizes the heart and strengthens spirituality. With love one can realize one's full humanity. Love helps us extract strength from our weaknesses and resilience from of our setbacks. If we are of the kind who seek the common interest rather than the separating factors, if we are willing to give gracefully, if we do not want to satisfy all our expectations at all costs, if we want to walk hand in hand, in peace and quietude with the one we love, if we do not want to impose anything on the one who loves us, if we are willing to settle differences with smiles and beautiful words, if we do not want to cut ourselves off from the other by arrogating to ourselves the right to impose our way of seeing the world, oh how beautiful and sweet love will be! True, to ask someone who is in distress to think of others is obviously unrealistic, especially if it is the beloved who caused this distress. But love works miracles.

Yes, this kind of love is not always possible between two persons. That’s normal. When one cannot find someone who deserves such kind of love he/she is left with two options: to keep his/her love to oneself or to share it with just anybody else, with mankind.

Suppose you found your perfect match and lived together the happiest life ever. And then you lost everything overnight. What would you do? Would you still care about anything or anybody in the world, after you lost your spouse, your children and everything? Think of Abdul-Rahman Ibn Khaldun (1332-1406), one of the most, if not the most ever, distinguished Arab scholar of all times. In his diaries, he said something like this: "Many people here (in Egypt) were jealous of me when I became a Maliki Judge. There came a time when I could not endure anymore, so I asked to be relieved of my duties. Then, I devoted my time to writing and teaching. But I soon missed my family, who were still back in Tunis. The problem is I could not go there because of the Sultan of Tunis. So I asked the Sultan of Egypt to speak with the Sultan of Tunis on my behalf. The latter allowed my family to leave Tunis. They took a ship, but as they neared the Egyptian shore the ship sank, and so all the members of my family were lost…" This happened to Ibn Khaldun when he was old. And yet he remained mentally fit and told us his story. Now, all the distinguished thinkers in my country and in the Arab world were influenced in one way or another by the writings of Ibn Khaldun. They all care about his thoughts; hardly anyone gives a thought to his personal story.

For many people, such an unfortunate end would be the end of one’s life:no more hope, no more dreams, no more goals. For people like Ibn Khaldoun life ends only when the soul leaves the body. But should one be like Ibn Khaldoun so as to approach life in this manner? What did Ibn Khaldoun have that allowed him to move forward? Two things: the Faith and a certain knowledge of the world. We can all have this kind of thing, if we want to. I am speaking here about people like you and me, who read and think.

How can faith and knowledge help us when our life is blocked like a road in a war zone, when all barriers are erected before us? Well, they can help us “impersonalize” the whole thing. If I lost my love, the best love in the world, is only one pleasure among many. I can have pleasure by another means. If I lost a loved one, I ask myself: what if I lost myself?If I suddenly found myself in danger of death, would I think of that loved one I lost or would I think of my soul only? Do I miss, cry over, that loved one because I believe he/she should have lived longer or because I want him/her for myself, to be forever by my side? Is it an altruistic or an egoistic feeling? Well, when we impersonalize life we break down all egoistic barriers that prevent us from moving forward.

Do you think Ibn Khaldoun did not weep when he got the news? Even the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) shed tears when he lost his son Ibrahim. Jacob, too, cried when he lost his son Joseph. But Ibn Khaldoun did not have one family, his family? He had a much, much larger family: the family of readers; you and I are members of that family. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and Jacob (pbuh) did not live for their family only, for themselves only: they lived for a much, much larger family, for mankind. You and I are part of this large family. Therefore, you see childless people help the children of other people; you see blind authors write for seeing people; you see poor artists entertain rich people;you see destitute bricklayers build houses for the wealthy; you see unemployed persons volunteer to give joy to people who have jobs.

But is altruism very far from egoism? Not really. I can help others and at the same time have pleasure in doing so. This pleasure is my pay. Even when I do something for the sake of God, I can rightly and legitimately hope to have something good in return. In the Quran we read: "Lo! Allah loseth not the wages of the good." (9.120)

The world is all about beauty and greatness. Man aspires to beauty and greatness. When we are not beautiful ourselves, we strive to get somebody or something beautiful. When we can't be great, we identify to somebody or something great.

Men want beautiful women and women want handsome men. Both want beautiful children, a lot of money for housing, for education, for food and leisure. They want big cars, and property in the countryside...to impress friend and foe. They want the comfort of the life of the world as a sign of success, of greatness. Hence our trials in this world, in Arabic ibtila. Some are tried by having these things, others by being deprived of them. Allah says in the Quran: "Beautified for mankind is love of the joys (that come) from women and offspring; and stored-up heaps of gold and silver, and horses branded (with their mark), and cattle and land. That is comfort of the life of the world. Allah! With Him is a more excellent abode." (3.14) "Every soul must taste of death, and We try you with evil and with good, for ordeal." (21.35) "And We have appointed some of you a test for others: Will ye be steadfast? And thy Lord is ever Seer." (25.20)

Now, what does Islam say about beauty? The Quran gives an example of extreme beauty: Joseph, great grand-son of Abraham. “And women in the city said: The ruler's wife is asking of her slave-boy an ill-deed. Indeed he has smitten her to the heart with love. We behold her in plain aberration. And when she heard of their sly talk, she sent to them and prepared for them a cushioned couch (to lie on at the feast) and gave to every one of them a knife and said (to Joseph): Come out unto them! And when they saw him they exalted him and cut their hands, exclaiming: Allah Blameless! This is not a human being. This is not other than some gracious angel. She said: This is he on whose account ye blamed me.” (12.30-32)

There’s yet a much more compelling beauty that we could hardly, if ever, conceive of: the Houris, Heavenly Maidens. The Quran describes them “(In beauty) like the jacinth and the coral-stone.” (55.58) The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: "The marrow of the bones of the wives' legs will be seen through the flesh out of excessive beauty." Can you imagine them? But that’s not all. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: "Allah is Beautiful, He loves beauty.” Can we imagine Allah’s beauty even in a dream? Of course not. “Vision comprehendeth Him not, but He comprehendeth (all) vision.” (6.103) “And when Moses came to Our appointed tryst and his Lord had spoken unto him, he said: My Lord! Show me (Thy Self) , that I may gaze upon Thee. He said: Thou wilt not see Me, but gaze upon the mountain! If it stand still in its place, then thou wilt see Me. And when his Lord revealed (His) glory to the mountain He sent it crashing down. And Moses fell down senseless.” (7.143) If we can’t see the beauty of Allah Himself, we can – and ought to – see the beauty Allah created in the universe and in ourselves. Our –human- beauty is only an instance of that beauty. Allah says: "And wherein is beauty for you, when ye bring them home, and when ye take them out to pasture." (16.6) "…and have caused of every lovely kind to grow thereon" (50.7) "We cause to spring forth joyous orchards" (27.60) "And verily We have beautified the world's heaven with lamps" (67.5) "And verily in the heaven we have set mansions of the stars, and We have beautified it for beholders." (15.16) "…and (We bring forth) gardens of grapes, and the olive and the pomegranate, alike and unlike. Look upon the fruit thereof, when they bear fruit, and upon its ripening. Lo! herein verily are portents for a people who believe." (6.99) The purpose is clear: man should meditate on the signs that Allah made in His Creation. “And whatsoever He hath created for you in the earth of divers hues, lo! therein is indeed a portent for people who take heed.” (16.13)

Why are all peacocks beautiful? Usually, female peacocks prefer strong rather than "beautiful" peacocks. Why are some hens more beautiful than others? Maybe there are some that prefer certain shapes or colours. But does a rooster choose a hen for its beautiful plumage? In any case, these beautiful colours are made for us: "A vision and a reminder for every penitent slave." (50.8) Beauty endears the faith to the believer's heart. "It was said unto her: Enter the hall. And when she saw it she deemed it a pool and bared her legs. (Solomon) said: Lo! it is a hall, made smooth, of glass. She said: My Lord! Lo! I have wronged myself, and I surrender with Solomon unto Allah, the Lord of the Worlds." (27.44) Allah says in the Quran: "O Children of Adam! Look to your adornment at every place of worship." (7.31) Would it be OK if you went to a wedding party in your best clothes and to a mosque in a shabby attire?

In a mosque you'd see people with more or less different colours, who speak different languages, etc. "And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. Lo! herein indeed are portents for men of knowledge." (30.21) "And among His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the diversity of your languages and colours. Surely in this are signs indeed for people who have knowledge" (30.22) "…and We produce therewith fruit of divers hues; and among the hills are streaks white and red, of divers hues, and (others) raven-black; And of men and beasts and cattle, in like manner, divers hues? The erudite among His bondmen fear Allah alone. Lo! Allah is Mighty, Forgiving." (35.27-28) That's because it’s Allah, "The Originator of the heavens and the earth" and "the Creator of the heavens and the earth", Who "multiplieth in creation what He will. Lo! Allah is Able to do all things." (35.1) "When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is." (2.117) He is capable not only of creating, but also of inventing and diversifying. “He is Allah, the Creator, the Shaper out of naught, the Fashioner." (59.24)

Indeed, diversity is part of the beauty that Allah made in this world. You may be stunned to see how many colours are in tomatoes and eggplants, for example. And you would comfortably eat vegetables and fruits and meat of widely different colours. How would I know that this person is Chinese if he looks exactly like a Swedish or like an Indian American, or speaks exactly like an Irish man or a Moroccan Berber? Allah says: "O mankind! Lo! We have created you from male and female, and have made you nations and tribes that ye may know one another. Lo! the noblest of you, in the sight of Allah, is the best in conduct. Lo! Allah is Knower, Aware." (49.13) "And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colours. Lo! herein indeed are portents for men of knowledge." (30..2) Does this mean that a Chinese person is worth less than or worth more than a person from another country? Not necessarily. In the Quran we read: "And in the Earth are neighbouring tracts, vineyards and ploughed lands, and date-palms, like and unlike, which are watered with one water. And we have made some of them to excel others in fruit. Lo! herein verily are portents for people who have sense." (13.4) First and foremost, it’s a question of ‘innocent’, ‘innocuous’ diversity. After that we can, yes, talk of some kind of differentiation, but not favouritism as we may understand it. The Quran says it explicitly: “And Allah hath favoured some of you above others in provision.” (16.71) “See how We prefer one of them above another, and verily the Hereafter will be greater in degrees and greater in preferment.” (17.21) "And covet not the thing in which Allah hath made some of you excel others." (4.32) So should I take offense when I see that Allah favoured somebody over me in terms of physical beauty or health or worldly possessions or power, etc.? Allah says: "And covet not the thing in which Allah hath made some of you excel others." (4.32) Allah even preferred some messengers above others. “Of those messengers, some of whom We have caused to excel others, and of whom there are some unto whom Allah spake, while some of them He exalted (above others) in degree.” (2. 253)

The Prophet (pbuh) said: “Look at those who are lower than you but do not look at those who are higher than you, lest you belittle the favours Allah conferred upon you.” Unless I think maliciously I have to compare myself to other creatures first before comparing myself to my fellow humans. Allah says: “Verily we have honoured the children of Adam. We carry them on the land and the sea, and have made provision of good things for them, and have preferred them above many of those whom We created with a marked preferment.” (17.70) A cat can eat what I spit, but I would never eat what a cat spits.

Besides, “preferment” is not necessarily pre-determined. You could buy a good car (of your own choosing) then find out that you could have bought a much better one with the same amount of money if and if and if. Idem for your house, your school, your shirt, your spouse, etc. Who would you blame, then, for something you decided yourself? Worse, you may be beautiful and your spouse beautiful too but your children turn out to be less beautiful than the children of a couple with no good looks at all. You could be smart and your spouse smart too but your kids turn out to be less smart than the kids of an illiterate couple. A son may be less handsome/smart than his brother and a daughter may be less beautiful/smart than her sister.

So where do we go from here? There’s the problem of beauty; there’s the problem of love; there’s the problem of choice. Should I, for example, see to it that I only “choose” to marry somebody who is beautiful and who loves me? What if my spouse were neither beautiful nor did she love me? Would that be a sign that that’s exactly what I am worth? Then, in this case, it would be my own responsibly. If I regard it as an absolute precondition that my future spouse be of the kind I dream of, then I don’t marry and I spare myself the trouble. If I can see in myself my own qualities, if I can value myself independently of what others may think of me, then I won’t see in my spouse “egoistic” signs that I am worth something. I am worth what I am worth. My wife is worth what she is worth. And yet the helpmeet I would “choose” may give me an idea about myself. Allah says in the Quran: “Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women.” (24.26)

So instead of being constantly obsessed with what I am worth in my own eyes or in the sight of humans like me I'd rather look higher than us all. "The seven heavens and the earth and all that is therein praise Him, and there is not a thing but hymneth His praise; but ye understand not their praise. Lo! He is ever Clement, Forgiving." (17.44) The Prophet (pbuh) said: "None of you is a believer till I am dearer to him than his child, his father and the whole of mankind."

Our actions are not always justifiable by analytical reasoning. Think of love at first sight, for example. Also beauty is very often relative. "There's no beauty without blemish," as the Moroccan proverb goes. Even the most beautiful woman gets old and loses her youth and beauty and the most handsome man gets old and loses his strength and virility.

The problem is that, at our time of weakness, we may be afraid of not being up to it. Self-acceptance is not always obvious. We all know, for example, that the plastic surgery industry is worth billions of dollars. And millions of people around the world are struggling with extra weight on a daily basis.

What may be shocking, perhaps, is that a true believer would never be "satisfied" completely and sincerely with a beauty of this world, be it a human face or body, or any kind of material possessions. A true believer is an ambitious believer, one who aspires to what is better. But a true believer is a human like all human beings, with more or less the same primordial impulses. Allah says: "Beautified for mankind is love of the joys (that come) from women and offspring; and stored-up heaps of gold and silver, and horses branded (with their mark), and cattle and land. That is comfort of the life of the world. Allah! With Him is a more excellent abode." (3.14) This applies to all men. The differentiation comes afterwards. "Say: Shall I inform you of something better than that? For those who keep from evil, with their Lord, are Gardens underneath which rivers flow wherein they will abide, and pure companions, and contentment from Allah. Allah is Seer of His bondmen." (3.15) "Is he whom We have promised a fair promise which he will find (true) like him whom We suffer to enjoy awhile the comfort of the life of the world, then on the Day of Resurrection he will be of those arraigned?" (28.61) "And strain not thine eyes toward that which We cause some wedded pairs among them to enjoy, the flower of the life of the world, that We may try them thereby. The provision of thy Lord is better and more lasting." (20.131) The differentiation comes with the faith. When I believe that, one day, I will be entitled to what is better than the best thing I can have in this world, I curb, as best as I can, my desires, wishes and whims and would be pleased with what I have. The French say: "When we do not have what we love we love what we have." That's true for a true believer, too, with the slight nuance that a true believer accepts what he has out of belief, not out of resignation.  When I have this belief I rid myself of all psychological complexes and take pleasure in doing my duty, in living my life serenely within my faith.

Allah wants me to be at peace with myself. He said to the Prophet (pbuh): “…so let not thy soul expire in sighings for them.” (35.8) And to all of us: “Naught of disaster befalleth in the earth or in yourselves but it is in a Book before we bring it into being - Lo! that is easy for Allah - That ye grieve not for the sake of that which hath escaped you, nor yet exult because of that which hath been given.” (58.22-23) Allah even wants me, as a believer,  to be fit physically. Hence my rest and sleep. “Have they not seen how We have appointed the night that they may rest therein, and the day sight-giving?” (27.86) “He it is Who hath appointed for you the night that ye should rest.” (10.67) “O Children of Adam! Look to your adornment at every place of worship, and eat and drink, but be not prodigal.” (7.31)

Even when I get into trouble as punishment for my sins I should not worry myself to death. Allah says: “And when We cause mankind to taste of mercy they rejoice therein; but if an evil thing befall them as the consequence of their own deeds, lo! they are in despair! See they not that Allah enlargeth the provision for whom He will, and straiteneth (it for whom He will). Lo! herein indeed are portents for folk who believe.” (30.36-37) “Say: O My slaves who have been prodigal to their own hurt! Despair not of the mercy of Allah, Who forgiveth all sins. Lo! He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (39.53) To soothe  my soul I have easy tools. Allah says: “There is no God save Me. So serve Me and establish worship for My remembrance.” (20.14) "Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!" (13 .28)

If I am lucky to have just the right spouse with whom I can live in peace and love, that’s great. If I can’t find that, what do I do? Self-flagellate or blame others for my woes? Or rather look for the love I want, the beauty I want, in myself, in my soul? Self-esteem is more precious than anybody's love or beauty. I can find all that in myself and be happy with what I am, with what I have. And at the same time I can be ambitious without wanting to set the bar too high.

The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) slept on a hard bed, lived on bread and dates, and once he had to roam the streets at night simply because he felt too hungry to stay at home. And yet his followers managed to build great (ambitious) empires. He could have made for himself a heaven on earth had he so willed, even if it meant waging bloody wars.

The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) wanted to be a man of the people, not of the happy few. He wanted to set an example. A governor came before Caliph Umar Ibn al-Khattab and offered him cakes. Umar said to him: “Do all people in your region eat such good cakes?” How on earth could a close companion of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) eat cakes which only the haves could afford? But that’s Caliph Umar, not you and me.